Parenting and Punishment

Punishment influences behavior, and fast! That's why it has been around as long as humanity and will probably continue to be around in the future. Punishment is defined as applying an unpleasant consequence (either social or physical) following bad behavior. But it's a hit like nuclear power: while having great strength, it also has its dangers. For example, punishment used alone does not teach new and correct behavior, nor does it build positive feelings between people. You cannot separate pain, either physical or social, from the person who administers it. And because punishment does not teach what behavior is desired, it is crucial that a parent

Admittedly, this is a tongue-in-cheek example, but the principle still applies. The mother sidestepped her responsibility for administering punishment on the spot and saved it for the father later. He is then greeted at the door with unpleasant family business (to him this is like being punished for coming home), Dinner-time, which should be a family's pleasant and relaxing time together, becomes a situation filled with unpleasant feelings. Also his father called John a tad boy', a very negative label and not very specific. What he meant was that Mother and Father didn't like what he did. 'onsider the difference between 'I don't like what you did, is makes me angry,' and don't like you, you make me angry.'

Many parents, when feeling uncomfortable about what I heir child is doing, will try to stop the behavior by holding or cuddling the child. It does stop the behavior for the moment but, in the long run, it teaches the child that misbehavior can lead to loving and cuddling.

'Time Out' is an alternative to physical punishment which allows a parent at home to intervene and stop unacceptable behavior without threats, hitting, or pain. It means 'time out from rewards', either social or material. It is a little like `standing in the corner', but with some added features. To use Time Out:

1. Select a boring place. Pick a room or closed-off place within a room that can be made free of anything interesting or dangerous to the child. This might be a utility room (with all dangerous articles removed) or another bedroom. It should be lit and not scary (don't use a bathroom or shower cubicle). It must be boring to the child. Never use the child's own bedroom since that is usually full of interesting things. `Go to your room', for most children, is no real time out -from rewards.

2. Keep the time short. The idea is to place the child in Time Out, thus stopping the unacceptable behavior, and then to release the child after about five minutes of quiet and calm. The child should be told 'That's had behavior. Go to Time Out.' If he or she refuses, quietly and firmly take the child there. Once in Time Out, the child is told that after five minutes of quiet, Time Out will be over. The five minutes starts from the beginning of calm and quiet. The child learns through this process that quiet will be rewarded.

3. Do not talk. The door should be closed and there should be no verbal exchange between parent and child. If the door is opened by the child, that means another minute in Time Out. The parent decides when the time is up.

4. Do not debate. Don't smack, don't argue, don't get into an argument. Time Out must mean Time Out.
The Time Out approach has been found to be very effective in dealing with troublesome behavior. It avoids the problems associated with physical punishment and also keeps rewards to a minimum. It should be used with caution, neither scaring nor hurting the child in the process. Once again, 'loving firmness' is the rule.

Parents should never use of threats, intimidation, fear, physical or social punishment to get children to behave. -There are entirely too many undesirable side-effects there are also better methods. Punishment has its place by temporarily stopping behavior that simply cannot be tolerated or ignored. It also punishment, if used excessively, can only hurt both parent and child, and sour the relationship. It should be kept in mind only as a less desirable method of behavior change. The methods in order of preference are:

1. Reward the behavior you like.

2. Ignore behavior you do not like.

3. Give verbal warnings that will be backed up.

4. Put the child in Time Out.

5. Punish.

It should be clear by now that the most desirable behavior- change approaches are the first two, because only those avoid significant bad feelings between parents and children.

Why is punishment so popular among parents if it is actually the least desirable method of behavioral change? The answer is that the person doing the punishment gets rewarded by the abrupt halt in the disliked behavior. Remember, when we do things that help us escape or avoid unpleasantness, we will tend to do them again. In short, the punisher is rewarded by punishing. Also punishment is easy, it takes no planning. Unfortunately, some parents become quickly oriented to only giving punishment.

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