How to Praise Your Kids When They are Doing Right

A positive focus is desirable at all stages or places in life, from infancy through to old age: at home, at work, with friends, or in marriage. Remember the basic reward principle: if a type of behavior is to be repeated, it must be followed by good consequences. In order to give a reward, one must notice the desired behavior. Without a positive focus, we cannot efficiently use the reward principle.

It is surprising that many parents fail to use positive focusing even in obvious situations. How many parents make a point of rewarding small children who are playing quietly and co-operatively? Indeed, they are more likely to be ignored until some sort of disturbance is heard! How many parents of teenagers make a point of complimenting them when they do something correctly, such as talk on the phone for only ten minutes, study properly, or come home for dinner on time? How many adults ignore their spouse's good cooking or nice appearance, yet make a point of complaining when dissatisfied? The popular term is 'taking things for granted'. We call it 'failure to focus on the positive'.

Upon first exposure to this idea there is often a 'gut reaction' against it. The response may be, 'Why should I have to reward somebody for doing something they should be doing anyway`?' `Why should I reward my child for work which is not up to standard?' Well, then, consider the alternatives and their effects. If we ignore the behavior we like, it may stop. If we punish performance that does not match up to our standards, we are also punishing whatever effort went into it. Even if it is hard at times to use a positive focus, and you may have to work hard at doing it, the effects are predictable, positive, and ultimately to the benefit of everyone concerned.
Failure to use a positive focus with others, does something to you. You may become the kind of person who always looks for the had in people and ignores the good, a prime target for such labels as 'sourpuss', and 'grumbler'. Nobody wants somebody around who is always moaning, nitpicking, and cutting away at others. Remember, we get what we give. A grump will notice that the world is filled with other grumps!

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