How to Eliminate Undesirable Behavior

There are a few bad behavior situations which cannot be ignored. These include:

Children physically hurting or endangering themselves. We cannot ignore a child putting a screwdriver into an electrical wall socket or wandering into a busy street.

Children physically hurting or endangering others. We're not talking about 'the usual' fights between children but about situations where one child could seriously inflict injury upon another, such as with a stone, hammer, a big stick or even a fist. This also includes children physically assaulting parents. No one should he expected to ignore an angry child kicking your shins.

Children damaging or endangering valuable property. We have to intervene if a child is breaking things like furniture, drawing on the walls, or ruining somebody's clothes.

Undesirable behavior which is being rewarded by others, not by parents.

The above-mentioned exceptional behavior clearly requires more from parents than just ignoring. But keep in mind that a great number of the day-to-day child-behavior problems faced by most families are maintained simply by parental social rewards and can be changed or eliminated by use of the ignoring principle. We advocate ignoring whenever possible, because it avoids unpleasantness (unlike the use of punishment) and requires only a simple removal of social rewards. When correctly clone, there is no reward of any kind for the child's behavior from the parent. Behavior not followed by any kind of a reward will eventually stop, as shown in the next examples.

If you are going to use this approach, it is important to explain to the child exactly what you are going to do, and then to follow through without fail. This may mean that you will have to ignore irritating calls time after time, and maybe even hundreds of times, before the child understands, In fact, it often happens that troublesome behavior which is suddenly ignored, increases for a while before it begins to fade. Success requires time and absolute consistency. The easiest mistake to make is to ignore, ignore, and ignore, and then finally to give in. This can only teach the child to try harder and be more persistent next time.

A common reaction is that it is very difficult to ignore objectionable behavior, and parents feel they shouldn't have to endure it. 'Do you mean that when John throws a temper tantrum, kicking and screaming on the floor I'm supposed to look the other way? I can't ignore that! I'd give him a good smack!' Our answer is, Yes, just ignore it.' Why? First, this is behavior that can be ignored even if there are guests in your house. Admittedly, it is not going to be pleasant. But, if it is ignored without further reward, the behavior will stop in time, without the use of physical punishment. Punishment involves a variety of bad feelings which should be avoided whenever possible. Second, punishment may deliver a 'mixed' message, because it includes attention - social reward. So 'a good smack' might help to eliminate the tantrums, but it might not.

Extensive research on temper tantrums has shown that ignoring them is the most reliable and effective approach for eliminating such behavior. Tantrums are nearly always provided purely by adult attention, whether that be smacking, screaming, grabbing, or giving in to whatever the child wants. Ignored, it will eventually stop. So, take a deep breath, and give it a try!

When parents use the ignoring principle with children, it is important to note that something additional is also happening - the child is suddenly being put on a reduced 'diet' of social rewards. Since parental attention and social rewards are so essential to children's happiness, the parent should be sure there is no actual reduction in the total number of social rewards. This can be done by increasing rewards for desired behavior. If the child has been getting a lot of attention for throwing tantrums, any improved behavior following such ignoring should he be richly rewarded? The overall result is that the child's undesirable behavior stops, good behavior increases, and the overall quantity of adult social rewards is at least equal and may even increase. If the child were to lose many social rewards as its tantrums cease but no other social rewards appear for other better behavior, the child may try to regain that attention and parental concern through another form of objectionable behavior. So don't stop rewarding, just stop rewarding the behavior you don't want!

When a child doesn't obey, do you ever feel like playing the role of dictator and shouting something like, 'Get in there and clean your room or you'll get a smack!!!'?

It is no secret to any parent that strong warnings can work. That is, young children may instantly comply to avoid a smack or whatever. We can see many situations which include 'avoidance learning' in our daily lives. For example, we take aspirin for a headache, not because we like its flavor but to give relief from the pain. In fact, most medicine is designed either to prevent or to get rid of discomfort. The billions of pills people consume each year prove this principle

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