How to Combine Punishment with Rewards

Because we are all human, absolute consistency is not possible. Nevertheless, it is very important to avoid 'changing the rules', father-mother contradictions, and lack of follow-up on agreements. If we expect our children to behave consistently, we need to provide them with good models to follow!

It is very important to have a positive focus and looking for good things to reward in others. It is also essential that when we socially reward someone, we do not add a social punishment at the same time. This is very easy to do, particularly if you are trying to switch from a negative focus to a positive focus.

The 'but’ offsets the value of the reward, leaving at best a rather shallow social reward. Often, it is no reward at all because the person responds emotionally to the negative aspect of the remark. It's like getting a pat on the back and a kick on the bottom at the same time! Compliments and criticisms given together mix about as well as oil and water.

This principle may seem rather obvious, yet we have found that many people liberally dish out mixed messages while being convinced that they arc actually good social rewarders. Good intentions are not sufficient if parents mask punishment in what they consider to be social rewards for their children. It is easy to check yourself as a social rewarder. Take notes (or have someone else take them) and record what you say to others in the way of compliments. See if you add a 'but: If you discover that you are masking punishment in rewards, we say to you, 'Congratulations for trying to have a positive focus.

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